Scrolling down my personal Facebook page, along with postings and greetings from various friends and acquaintances, I see you and the numerous poses of you and your friends. The pictures seem so joyous, resembling a birthday event or a celebration of some sort with friends and love ones. I could not help but become sentimental and introspective. Seeing your smiling face, having fun with different people, enjoying life’s little things, it all seems so innocent, so cheerful and so real. But beneath the poses, behind the smiles, and beyond the fun, there lies the truth and realities of life that many outsiders cannot see nor understand.
Her life and circumstances were much different 15 years ago. Take yourself back in your late teens, when you and other classmates were anticipating or preparing for what college or university to attend. You pondered which dorm to stay in and what major or field of study to focus on. While most concerned themselves with these issues growing up in America, my dear sister was living in a different land- a world much difference than ours- preparing to embark on a trip of a lifetime and questioning what awaits her in this new land, new life and a new role as a wife at the tender age of 19. She was facing and contemplating a decision that would alter and change her life forever. In retrospect, how would she, or anyone, be able to comprehend the magnitude and degree to which our own personal decision could eventually affect her entire family at such young age and with great pressure and high expectations.
An American would only see it as an exaggeration to think that the fate of her entire family lied on her young, fragile, innocent shoulders. But this was and is Vietnam where she came from. She had met her prince charming, her ‘savior’ of her sheltered and “oppressive” life. They had briefly met at a local coffee shop. He had an impressive resume and his mysterious persona was complimented by his newly pressed clothes. He was trendy and fashionable, light skin toned, and had characteristics of someone who resembles a manager, supervisor, or that of a ‘boss type’ to some type of business. His warm smile and mature characteristics not only appeased and calmed her anxiety, but his confidence dispelled and washed away any insecurities or inner doubts of herself and the prospects of being with him.
One casual meeting at the coffee shop turned into many spirited meetings that were filled with innocent conversations about life, fun, and food. Quickly, their conversations evolved into topics about marriage and potentially leaving for America. What started as a meeting of two soon became a meeting of 4 or even 5. “My parents and siblings were so fond of him. He was generous and open minded. He was very metropolitan with his charm and his wealth.” His enduring qualities were his US citizenship status. Her family looked passed the fact that he was 20 years her senior. The fact that he lived so far away and knew so little about him, which only added to his mystique and the allure of limitless possibilities. Once you put someone on a pedestal, even his lowest qualities and short-comings are still more appealing than those whose position is derived from modest beginnings and meager means.
It was a short and quaint wedding, two years after their first meeting at the village coffee shop. She made an hour trip from her modest village and hometown to the International Airport in Saigon. Just think, 14 hours from now, she will be in the land of the rich and privileged; a place of opportunity and economic success. Most importantly, it was a chance to start a new life and have opportunities to help and provide for her parents and family.
She lived a fairy tale life her first few years in America, shopping in the most luxurious shops. Everything was in abundance, but the life as a wife and a mother to her first daughter made her first year in America challenging and frustrating. Her prince charming became homely and reserved; his metropolitan qualities in Vietnam became monotonous and uneventful when in the U.S. He worked during the day as she attended to their infant child as well as began beauty school. When he would get home, he’d seemed to find greater solace and companionship with his favorite beers than with his young, growing family. Her talk of nail colors and hair styles didn’t seem to quite compliment his concerns with office work or be what he wanted to talk about. In retrospect, their lives were not so uncommon compared to the typical American life. Work consumed most of their days. They worked 6 days a week and conversations and bonding lasted no longer than 15 minutes a day. Sadly, this was still much longer than their tenderness and intimate moments.
Five years later, their daughter had a new brother. He was their concerted “last-ditch” effort to save their deteriorating marriage. It didn’t help. He became withdrawn and she became aloof and disallusioned. Greater and more painful news came during spring 2008-the economic downturns hit home and made them confront the other side of the American dream- byproduct of over spending and instant gratification. Though it was the banks who over estimated the value of their home and assets, it was them who decided to use their equity line of credit as their personal ATM machine. The spiraling bad news came with such fervor and intensities as though all their hope and dreams were shattered then flushed down the drain leaving behind little or no physical evident or remnants but rather ingrained and debilitating emotional and psychological stress. Their home and business had both lost half of their value. They stopped making their mortgage payments. Her American fairy tales were quickly becoming a real life nightmare. It was just her faith in capitalism and free enterprise that were slipping away, it was also her faith in real and meaningful love and the idea of growing old together as husband and wife, for better or worse, for all occasions and circumstances- a notion that she witnessed each day living with her aging parents.
It’s been three years since they last spoke or shared the same address. They split custody of the children half of the year. On occasion, she gets to see the children a few extra months when he’s away in and out of the country visiting his now new bride.
She has asked herself hundreds of questions and speculated on all the various possibilities, logical, and reasonable answers to how it could have gone so wrong. No matter how deeply and analytically she thinks of what she could have done to make things work out, what she could have said or not said, the answers seemed beyond her reach and no closer to self-contentment . Her children are her future now; they are her life. She loves to watch them grow, and see them bond and interact with her parents (She sponsored her parents to come over to America a few years back). Her children make her everyday struggles a bit more manageable. It provides her with a whole different perspective as she sees herself in them. She was not too much older than they are now when at the tender age of 19, she first met their father. Now, at 35, it’s her time. But first, there are philosophical and life-defining questions and topics she must confront. Not to simply search for answers, but to understand more about herself, her emotional and mental processes, the internal and external forces that contribute and influence her life and her decision making. Most importantly, she wants to know and understand herself.
Why must we make such difficult decisions so abruptly without considering the risks and consequences? ….as she reflects on her marriage and all the things that led to her decision.
Why must a human being in this connected, small and free world leave her homeland and her natural element in order to find a better future and worthwhile life? ….she ponders about the way of life she lost as well as her siblings and friends whom she has not seen for over 20 years.
Why must we extend and further the miseries and disappointments by staying in a bad situation longer than it has to? Why exasperate the breakup with bad behaviors and destructive feelings? She accepts the fact that he too is entitled to be happy and live a purposeful life. One true fact she came to term with- we can love each other and have a fulfilled marriage; but we must be comprehensively compatible in order to have a fulfilled life.
All in all, she is at peace with her decisions and circumstance. She is content with her inner conscience and morality. She is blessed and appreciative with what she has and what has been given to her. She will always be thankful to her first husband for all that he’s done, giving them the opportunity to be in America, uniting our elderly parents with their youngest daughter in this land of opportunity, and for sharing and procreating two beautiful children together.
He helped her become more integrated to the American culture and way of life. And though she feels a bit awkward to see him with his new Vietnamese bride, she hopes that his new bride will enjoy and share in all of the experiences that she had: married life, the eye opening moments, the sensory overloads of being in a new world, the cultural assimilation, the steep learning curve of adapting to a new lifestyle, language, ways of life, as well as the freedom and open mindedness that she has. Even with all the great memories and life changing events shared with him, she is content of being single. She enjoys being a good and loving daughter to my parents and the best mom she can be to her two young children.
Maybe someday, being a single mother will be well received and accepted as being a married one. She knows there are men out there who will love and accept everything about her and her extra “baggage”. For now, I am grateful to be a part of her life and seeing her smile- no matter what occasion- brings such appreciation for my own sheltered and privileged life.
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